Growing Up in a Mixed Raced Family
I interviewed three female cousins (identified she/her) who are in their 30s and 40s and have Indo (mixed Indonesian and Dutch) mothers and African-American fathers. I queried them about personal experiences of their mixed-race heritage. They discussed how their parents’ behavior shaped their perceptions of race and emphasized the importance of self-acceptance and understanding in navigating identity-related challenges. While they generally felt comfortable within their mixed-race families, they sometimes faced negativity and stereotypes about being Black from society at large. As they grew older, they became more comfortable with their identity, appreciating diversity. The conversation also touched on the importance of teaching children to be accepting of diversity and the challenges of raising children in a society where they may face prejudice due to their appearance.
I began the interview by sharing my experience as a white-bodied person of parents of different races and cultures—an Indo father and Dutch mother. Growing up, I encountered subtle remarks and impressions from my mother about the differences between Dutch and Indonesian cultures. As a child, I came to believe that many of the Dutch (European) ways of being were better than that of the Indo family members and was subtly taught to condescend towards these others.
Experiences at Home
My cousins felt that their parents' relationships were normal. Lily expressed, “I don’t really remember a hard moment when I realized I was different or that my parents were in a mixed marriage because our family always felt so blended.”
Grace concurred with, “I didn’t find anything strange or different about my parents being together. For us, we had the luxury of being around a diverse group of kids, so we weren’t mixed-race kids in an all-White school or an all-Black school. There were definitely cultural differences with my parents, especially in how we were treated and how we acted with my dad’s parents compared to my mom’s side.”
All three felt more comfortable with their mother’s or Indo side of the family compared to their father’s or Black side. They felt loved from both sides of their families, and that love was expressed differently. They found that the Indo side was more “chill,” which felt more accepting with fewer constrictions on their behavior. All three mentioned their Indo Oma (grandmother) who was especially welcoming.
Joy found that she didn’t have enough experience with her dad’s side of the family partly because she felt freer to express herself with her Indo relatives due to the constrictions on the father’s side. As Joy spoke, both Grace and Lily nodded.
Lily felt her Indo roots more because her dad had been against a certain stereotype of “Black” behavior. As a result, she wasn’t allowed to listen to certain music and dress or talk certain way. As a young person she believed that, because she was only half Black, it made her feel like she was more special than Black people who were acting that way. Lily said, “I now realize that my dad didn’t want to keep me away from Black people or behave like Black people but rather to not behave like riff raff, not particularly Black but any riff raff.” In that way her father pushed her away from wanting to be Black.
Both Grace and Joy agreed, having had similar experiences.
Encounters Within the Community
Negativity about being mixed-race came from society, not family.
Lily said, “Any awareness or negativity I’ve experienced about being mixed-race hasn’t come from my family, but from society—people who don’t really know me or who are just racist in general. That’s made me feel like I didn’t want to identify as Black, because being Black was often portrayed as a negative thing.”
Joy felt disconnected from identifying as Black, leaning more toward her Indo mother’s side. She explained, “I wasn’t necessarily attracted to Black things. I was attracted to White boys…. I wasn’t around enough Black people to know that there was more to Black people than the stereotype. So, I grew up not wanting to be Black or not feeling comfortable around the Black community outside of my Black family.”
Grace found that she was not affected much outside factors, and unlike Joy and Lily, had always identified more as Black throughout childhood and adulthood. Grace said, “I’ve always been down with Black people. I date Black men. I always knew I was Black. I feel Black because of how I look, and I will always step in life as a Black person first, and I’ve always kind of been comfortable with Black people.” She later reflected that her mother doesn’t quite understand this about her.
There’s a difference in how the two siblings were shaped by their parents' races and cultures — and in turn, how they influenced their parents. This dynamic is worth exploring further.
Changing Perceptions As An Adult
Joy, as an adult, is more comfortable with herself and feels differently. Being around Black people, getting to know them as friends and coworkers, she realizes that there’s not much difference between people. She now finds connections with people across different races and cultures, feeling a deeper appreciation for both sides of her heritage.
Lily only recently has become more loving towards the Black side of her. She said, “Now as an adult, I really enjoy Black culture, Black people. I enjoy being a Black woman, like I feel free.” Because of her newly found self-love she can see more clearly the micro-aggressions expressed by, for instance, her mother. Lily stated, “I hear the things she says differently now because I don’t have the same self-hatred.”
After George Floyd was killed by a police officer, Lily had a deeper realization in terms of how society views Black people, her people. She felt deeply distressed by the division and the fact that people couldn’t even acknowledge the phrase, ‘Black lives matter.’ She found that it awakened something in her and that she loves herself more and all that encompasses her.
Lily said, “It took a tragedy to open my eyes.” She continued with, “I’m really seeing myself as a Black woman and how the world sees me and also feeling a very sense of sadness and sorrow for the Black community which I am a part of.”
Referring to White people, she found that “they couldn’t possibly know what I’m going through. So, I have a little distrust. It’s just like…I know you don’t know. They don’t understand what it’s like to be Black. White people move differently.”
Both Grace and Joy agreed.
Joy added, “It just makes you look at life differently and what you have to prepare your kids for…because in society, you know if you look Black, you are Black.”
A conversation ensued between the three regarding microaggressions and the lack of awareness of people, for instance, at work, as well as their Indo mothers.
Joy recalled urging her mother to talk to her brother about the dangers he might face. Her mother’s reaction was that her son wouldn’t have to deal with that sort of thing. Joy said, “It was just mind blowing to me that she hadn’t realized. It just showed me how uneducated my mom was about raising a Black man.”
Grace reflected that her father moved out of LA to ensure the family wouldn’t grow up in the neighborhood where he was raised and experience the things he did. This shaped their early experiences and limited their understanding of how Black people are perceived and treated.
Educating Children
Joy shared, “My husband and I talk about these issues, and we make a point to explain things to our kids, educating them about how people might treat them.”
When I asked, “How are you and your children affected? How are you preparing them?” she explained that she tries to teach them kindness and self-love. Joy believes everyone deserves respect and love, regardless of appearance, gender, or background. She acknowledged, “There are times when they feel different or fit into a stereotype, but they’re pretty good at expressing that to me. It’s important for me to show my kids that their feelings are valid. I feel like that’s something I didn’t experience growing up. I think it’s essential for people to listen and relate to one another because that shared understanding connects all of humankind. Everyone has the same feelings, so everyone deserves respect and love.”I began the interview by sharing my experience as a white-bodied person of parents of different races and cultures—an Indo father and Dutch mother. Growing up, I encountered subtle remarks and impressions from my mother about the differences between Dutch and Indonesian cultures. As a child, I came to believe that many of the Dutch (European) ways of being were better than that of the Indo family members and was subtly taught to condescend towards these others.
Experiences at Home
My cousins felt that their parents' relationships were normal. Jasmine expressed, “I don’t really remember a hard moment when I realized I was different or that my parents were in a mixed marriage because our family always felt so blended.”
Grace concurred with, “I didn’t find anything strange or different about my parents being together. For us, we had the luxury of being around a diverse group of kids, so we weren’t mixed-race kids in an all-White school or an all-Black school. There were definitely cultural differences with my parents, especially in how we were treated and how we acted with my dad’s parents compared to my mom’s side.”
All three felt more comfortable with their mother’s or Indo side of the family compared to their father’s or Black side. They felt loved from both sides of their families, and that love was expressed differently. They found that the Indo side was more “chill,” which felt more accepting with fewer constrictions on their behavior. All three mentioned their Indo Oma (grandmother) who was especially welcoming.
Joy found that she didn’t have enough experience with her dad’s side of the family partly because she felt freer to express herself with her Indo relatives due to the constrictions on the father’s side. As Joy spoke, both Grace and Jasmine nodded.
Lily felt her Indo roots more because her dad had been against a certain stereotype of “Black” behavior. As a result, she wasn’t allowed to listen to certain music and dress or talk certain way. As a young person she believed that, because she was only half Black, it made her feel like she was more special than Black people who were acting that way. Lily said, “I now realize that my dad didn’t want to keep me away from Black people or behave like Black people but rather to not behave like riff raff, not particularly Black but any riff raff.” In that way her father pushed her away from wanting to be Black.
Both Grace and Joy agreed, having had similar experiences.
Encounters Within the Community
Negativity about being mixed-race came from society, not family.
Lily said, “Any awareness or negativity I’ve experienced about being mixed-race hasn’t come from my family, but from society—people who don’t really know me or who are just racist in general. That’s made me feel like I didn’t want to identify as Black, because being Black was often portrayed as a negative thing.”
Joy felt disconnected from identifying as Black, leaning more toward her Indo mother’s side. She explained, “I wasn’t necessarily attracted to Black things. I was attracted to White boys…. I wasn’t around enough Black people to know that there was more to Black people than the stereotype. So, I grew up not wanting to be Black or not feeling comfortable around the Black community outside of my Black family.”
Grace found that she was not affected much outside factors, and unlike Joy and Jasmine, had always identified more as Black throughout childhood and adulthood. Grace said, “I’ve always been down1 with Black people. I date Black men. I always knew I was Black. I feel Black because of how I look, and I will always step in life as a Black person first, and I’ve always kind of been comfortable with Black people.” She later reflected that her mother doesn’t quite understand this about her.
There’s a difference in how the two siblings were shaped by their parents' races and cultures — and in turn, how they influenced their parents. This dynamic is worth exploring further.
Changing Perceptions As An Adult
Joy, as an adult, is more comfortable with herself and feels differently. Being around Black people, getting to know them as friends and coworkers, she realizes that there’s not much difference between people. She now finds connections with people across different races and cultures, feeling a deeper appreciation for both sides of her heritage.
Lily only recently has become more loving towards the Black side of her. She said, “Now as an adult, I really enjoy Black culture, Black people. I enjoy being a Black woman, like I feel free.” Because of her newly found self-love she can see more clearly the micro-aggressions expressed by, for instance, her mother. Lily stated, “I hear the things she says differently now because I don’t have the same self-hatred.”
After George Floyd was killed by a police officer, Lily had a deeper realization in terms of how society views Black people, her people. She felt deeply distressed by the division and the fact that people couldn’t even acknowledge the phrase, ‘Black lives matter.’ She found that it awakened something in her and that she loves herself more and all that encompasses her.
Lily said, “It took a tragedy to open my eyes.” She continued with, “I’m really seeing myself as a Black woman and how the world sees me and also feeling a very sense of sadness and sorrow for the Black community which I am a part of.”
Referring to White people, she found that “they couldn’t possibly know what I’m going through. So, I have a little distrust. It’s just like…I know you don’t know. They don’t understand what it’s like to be Black. White people move differently.”
Both Grace and Joy agreed.
Joy added, “It just makes you look at life differently and what you have to prepare your kids for…because in society, you know if you look Black, you are Black.”
A conversation ensued between the three regarding microaggressions and the lack of awareness of people, for instance, at work, as well as their Indo mothers.
Joy recalled urging her mother to talk to her brother about the dangers he might face.2 Her mother’s reaction was that her son wouldn’t have to deal with that sort of thing. Joy said, “It was just mind blowing to me that she hadn’t realized. It just showed me how uneducated my mom was about raising a Black man.”
Grace reflected that her father moved out of LA to ensure the family wouldn’t grow up in the neighborhood where he was raised and experience the things he did. This shaped their early experiences and limited their understanding of how Black people are perceived and treated.
Educating Children
Joy shared, “My husband and I talk about these issues, and we make a point to explain things to our kids, educating them about how people might treat them.”
When I asked, “How are you and your children affected? How are you preparing them?” she explained that she tries to teach them kindness and self-love. Joy believes everyone deserves respect and love, regardless of appearance, gender, or background. She acknowledged, “There are times when they feel different or fit into a stereotype, but they’re pretty good at expressing that to me. It’s important for me to show my kids that their feelings are valid. I feel like that’s something I didn’t experience growing up. I think it’s essential for people to listen and relate to one another because that shared understanding connects all of humankind. Everyone has the same feelings, so everyone deserves respect and love.”
The experiences shared by my cousins—Lily, Grace, and Joy—draw attention to the complexity of mixed-race identity and the evolving nature of self-perception. While their family environments provided love and a sense of belonging, societal influences often shaped their relationship with their Black heritage. Over time, each cousin explored and reconciled their identity in different ways, with adulthood bringing a deeper appreciation for their cultural and racial backgrounds. We intend to inquire further into this topic by investigating how race and gender intersect in shaping self-perception. In addition, we may explore the experiences of mixed-race individuals across different generations.
In slang, "being down with something" means agreeing with, supporting, or being willing to join in. The phrase has its roots in African American jazz slang around 1935 and grew popular in the 1970s through rap and hip-hop culture.
Black parents or mixed-race couples with Black children have "The Talk" with their children, especially sons, to guide them through potential encounters with law enforcement and racism, aiming to ensure their safety in a biased society.